Introspection…

Posted: August 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

Im going to post some more poetry tomorrow, but first….

****

I think it’s about that time again.

One of those times when I write a long note about all the thinking I’ve been doing and the personal grown I’m experiencing, blah blah blah. Except this isn’t really that kind of note. This is a get it together note. A step up or step the fuck off kind of note.

For you.

The person reading it.

I will never claim to be done cleaning out my closet, because the personal growth stage in a persons’ life will never be done. But at some point you have to realize that more than just cleaning out your own closet, you have to clean out other parts of your life as well. And I’ve been putting off that part for far too long. Going through the same situation and reacting the same way every time is a form of insanity, but I’ve learned that God will put you through the same thing until you learn what you need to learn. And what I needed to learn is that everybody aint for me.

For years and years I’ve been pulling myself every which way so that I can help everyone who ever thought they might need some assistance from me, inconveniencing myself and people who do/should be able to rely on me for people who don’t deserve my time. And I’m done with that. For years I’ve been making all this effort to find people, to keep them around, to show that I’m concerned about them and how they’re doing and living when they’re not prepared to do the same thing for me. And I’m done with that.

If you’re reading this and you think it’s about you so far, it could be. I have a few specific people in mind, but it’s more general than you probably think. If you are somehow feeling some kind of conviction however, as if I am secretly talking about you, then look at yourself in the mirror and start asking some hard questions.

The point is, I’m no longer going to be trying to keep people in my life who don’t want to be there. There’s been a few situations in my life relatively recently, going as far back as a year or two and as recently as this month that I have been going through and ignoring for what they really are. And then some recent conversations and situations have really made me realize that it’s been God trying to show me that some people are toxic, and I don’t need people like that around me, near me, associating with me because in the end its just going to hurt me and damage me in the long run. Normally tho, I would be still trying to keep you around. Whoever you are, I would be ignoring those faults, ignoring the fact that you’ve been ghost until you needed something or that you’ve never given me a reason to trust you, yet I tell you more than you need to know. And that’s done with. And I’m gonna make mistakes. It’s me being human. I make mistakes in judgment, make incorrect assumptions, don’t trust people whom I should and do trust people I shouldn’t. For that I apologize. I truly am sorry if I make an incorrect assumption about you and what you are to me, but right now this is self preservation time, and I have to be sure about people before I let them stay around anymore. But truly, I’m no longer making excuses for people.

If you don’t want to be around, then don’t stay. If you can’t find a reason to be here, in my life, then don’t look anymore, I’ll give you a reason to leave. I have too much going on this year, too many things I need to accomplish and too many goals to try and worry about why everyone isn’t still here. It’s time for me to let God do the job that he’s been trying to do for a long time now. And that’s clear the air, clean out the closet, trim the fat, and remove some people who don’t need to be around. I’m done trying to fill empty spaces with people.

This has been a long time coming. I’ve been avoiding it for a long time, but guess what? Here it is.

And really, this isn’t really just something I need to do. If you’re reading this, you need to examine your own life. Don’t try to keep someone in your life who aint trying to be there. You gonna end up stressing yourself out and hurting yourself in the end. Additionally, don’t try to keep someone around who doesn’t deserve to be around. That’s not to say everyone has to earn your time, but you need to think of yourself and your time as important as it is. In the end all we have on this planet is time, and it’s on a declining scale that’s not getting added to.

Additionally, to you in particular. The dynamics of our relationship have changed. Ive been trying to pretend like that haven’t, but ive been lying to myself and lying to you and everyone else who know us. After what happened, there is no more normal as much as you want there to be and as much as I pretend there is. Ive truly been trying but im not pretending on that anymore.

To you, if the only time youre gonna hit me up is when you need something, then you can really step the fuck off and back up away from me. Find somebody else to be your damn banker, miracle worker, all that shit. You got other people you can hit up for that. Ill still come around and help when I can, but I got too much to do for you to be playin around with me and my time.

To you, I want you around, but if you don’t want to be I cant do anything abou that.

And to you. You’ll probably never see this. But after 5 years, Im really done chasing you. No matter who you are, Im not gonna try to force you to call or write of do what you should do naturally. If you even knew the things that I’ve done to try and find you… But that’s over now. And if you’re somehow surprised that I have nothing to say to you right now, you’re living in a dream world and I hope that you wake up soon.

The moral of this story is step up. Or step off. The choice is up to you. And if you can’t make the choice I will make it for you.

Yes, it’s like that.

It’s time for a new me, and this is the first step on that road.

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Comments
  1. Michelle W says:

    Spoken from the heart. Something I have always admired about you Terrance. You are a talented young man and the things you have to offer this world are going to be dynamic. I am proud and honored to know you. Through your faith in God and His word, it has helped me keep my faith and still believe even in hard times. Thank you for somehow knowing what I need to hear when I need to hear it. Keep it up and your handsome head held high 🙂

    Love you!

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